What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 04:03
We were not on the streets..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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One cannot live in the past .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I will be 64.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Comes on , in middle age.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Do women like men who have slept with many women?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And i lived it daily.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I have no regrets .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
How do I explain to my husband that my 19-year-old son has accidentally gotten me pregnant?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She loved him until the end.
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was 9 years of age.
Ive learnt so much.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Do narcissists love their children?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But, we were locked up after school.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I write beautiful poetry .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We all went to grammer schools
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Who then, do I blame.?
All the time i was locked up.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My family never makes their pension either.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She married twice! .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
It was going to be , some day.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My life is so biszare .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She wouldn,t have been !
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why did i forgive my father ?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She found it foreign!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
When she asked me how she looked .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I waited trembling.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Would this be the day?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I don,t even have a pension.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
This is soul school!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was scared of men, in general
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I said to her
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So, i spoilt her more .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He knew the spot.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She was in good health!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I couldn’t, believe it.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
What did i know ?
I was seconnd youngest,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Put me off passion for life!!
Im still living with it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was very sick at this time too.
I think the readers, may guess!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But it wasn’t much.
So whats the point in blame.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?